a post! just for you!

Well- we all know I'm a terrible blogger :-) I typically go a couple months between postings even when I'm not busy. I have been SO busy...work is busy, house is busy, training my sister's new dog for her is busy, oh...being pregnant is busy...just SO BUSY!

Things have been going well on the baby boy front. I still pretty much loathe the physical process of being pregnant and I'm super self concious all the time so there are no bump pictures. My husband is amazing though and makes me feel better about life in general. The nursery is coming along- we're doing a travel theme and if I ever get around to finishing my craft projects I'll post some pictures of that.  The baby shower is Sunday...I'm nervous. I hate being the center of attention!!! I didn't even want to dance the first dance at my own wedding!

We need to start the childcare search but I'm such a procrastinator with it...I mean, I wont have to go back to work til November. It seems like I'll have more time to search. Maybe in July....that's enough time right?
It's pretty boring around here other than the ridiculous busy-ness all the time. Watching two dogs wrestle and hump non stop has kind of consumed my life.  The top picture is what it looks like for about 15 minutes a day...the bottom picture is the rest of the time. My dog's the one on the left and my sister's is the one on the right with the heterochromia. 

I will try to think of a more entertaining post for next time :-)

the phone.

It is my nemesis.

Does anyone have a majority of good conversations with their female relatives on the phone? I am pretty darn positive that I do not. It seems that it's the venue for a royal rumble 9 times out of 10. I feel like it's where they feel comfortable critiquing, bringing up things I have said or done 10 weeks ago and generally just not enjoying talking to me.  It does wonders for my self esteem. Really it does.   I begin to feel like they dread seeing my # come up on their screens...but...why?

I guess I'd like to challenge them to consider that maybe they go into conversations with me with a negative attitude. That perhaps they think the conversation will go badly because of something that they're not letting go of.   I'm not going to lie, I can be sarcastic and probably annoying...but everytime I talk to someone on the phone? It's statistically improbable. I'm not much different on the phone than I am in person and my colleagues and friends whom I see every day don't seem to have a problem with me. Just....my family on the phone. Hmm.

Is it too late to give up the phone for Lent? I feel guilty if I don't call the parents and sister regularly...that whole 'you never know when your last conversation might just be your last thing' drives me nuts and compels me to chat regularly with them. My sister has no such problem. She doesnt ever call home or me unless it's been so long that we start to text to find out if she's alive.  She feels that if she speaks regularly to anyone then they dont pay attention to her and thus she only wants to have meaningful conversations.   Too bad my 'meaningful conversations' with her tend to end in frustration.  Sigh. I should stick to texting and emails. They are much more positive and I think preferred.

In other news...the crankiness from the previous post is lifting somewhat.  It's not entirely gone but it's manageable and the intrusiveness is lessening as people get used to the idea of me being pregnant and quiet.  I still get 'mommy-jacked' on occasion and given all kinds of unsolicited advice, but mostly the people who know me well have backed off some.  I no longer feel like I have to hide int he bathroom at work.  :-). Bonus right?   We found out we are having a boy which I'm really excited about. I've never been a girlygirl and I'm excited about all the 'trouble' a boy can get into.  I think if I lived on a farm I'd love to have a girl.. because that means ponies and playing outside adventures to me.  Not gender biased but preferenced on what kind of environment I'd like to raise a girl in? A boy though...that means boating and playing catch and hiking and camping :-) (yes. i realize i could do this with a girl too...but it just seems more natural with a boy right now :))

my absence.

So shortly after Christmas the husband and I found out that we were expecting a small child. I call it Spawn. My mother hates the name. She can deal. Ultimately, I know this story will have a happy ending and that I will love Spawn dearly and all that but thus far (17 weeks) I hate being pregnant. I hate the word pregnant. I hate that everyone says "Do you feel pregnant yet?" "Did you buy pregnant pants?" etc etc etc. Don't even get me started on the nicknames. If anyone uses the word PREGO around me I cringe inside my head. My name is Danielle. It is not "Mamma or hot mama or mama W"

No one wants to know how I really feel. Trust me. My poor husband gets to hear it and he's great. He's the most supportive understanding and wonderful human being in the world and I'm a craptastic wife because this is supposed to be something we both are excited about and love going through together. Well, I don't.  I pretend. I try.   It's not working. Most days I just feel grotesque. I can't imagine that that's going to get better. I hate being fat on a normal basis and this is just worse.

I hate having constant aches and pains. I hate not being able to sleep properly. I hate that my regular clothes dont fit and the maternity pants fall down every 10 steps. I hate that our already stretched budget is getting stretched even thinner as we try to buy the basics. I hate that everyone is sooooo excited for us and expects me to be all happy and chipper all the time. I loathe with a burning passion hotter than the flames of hell that  people feel like they NEED to tell me that what comes next is worse. "Your dog got mud on your curtains, wait til you have a kid." "You're hot today? Wait til you're 9 months pregnant. You'll want to die." "Ohhhh you can't plan on making it to your due date. You could probably go into labor any time in August while you're at work."  You know what? I don't want to hear your opinion.   It's nervewracking enough to KNOW in your head that all those things could and probably will happen. You don't need to take some schadenfreude pleasure out of telling me how awful labor is how much you tore, how your body will never be the same and OH MY PERSONAL FAVORITE that the hormones cause all kinds of other health issues to happen like "hey that one lady that we both know that got cancer right after she had her 2nd kid."   Oh and let's not forget the "what if it's autistic or any other THING that could happen you'll still love it."    What happened to boundaries? What happened to not saying anything if you dont have anything nice to say? 

One of the worst parts is that no one listens. They ask what you want and then do the exact opposite. They dont respect your boundaries and they don't care. They're all too excited for you to listen to what you want. It's good intentioned but it makes me feel like crap.

I am a borderline hypochondriac. I knew this was going to be challenging. I knew that with as sensitive as I am to every ache, pain and twinge in my body and with my past history of anxiety that this was not going to be a great experience. I know that I make mountains out of molehills, that I see zebras where there are horses and that I'm overall a nut job about my body being 'my body.'   I'm also well aware to all the armchair counselors out there that depression is a real hazard of being pregnant. Yes, I'm also aware that there are pills you can take for that. I also know that I'm not depressed. I've been depressed and on anti anxiety meds before. This is different. This is just having a feeling that is not popular with the general public. The world doesnt want you to be unhappy when you're experiencing 'one of the great miracles in life'.   The world wants you to wake up perky and full of sunshine and glitter laughing about how pleasantly plump you are and how you have that GLOW which is really just oil from your hormonal teen angsty skin.    

Will I be a terrible mother? No. Will I love the child with all my heart when it's here? Yes.  Would 99.99 percent of the world judge me from this post..Probably. It's okay. I'll be fine. August 29th anyway.