Monday, March 19, 2012

my absence.

So shortly after Christmas the husband and I found out that we were expecting a small child. I call it Spawn. My mother hates the name. She can deal. Ultimately, I know this story will have a happy ending and that I will love Spawn dearly and all that but thus far (17 weeks) I hate being pregnant. I hate the word pregnant. I hate that everyone says "Do you feel pregnant yet?" "Did you buy pregnant pants?" etc etc etc. Don't even get me started on the nicknames. If anyone uses the word PREGO around me I cringe inside my head. My name is Danielle. It is not "Mamma or hot mama or mama W"

No one wants to know how I really feel. Trust me. My poor husband gets to hear it and he's great. He's the most supportive understanding and wonderful human being in the world and I'm a craptastic wife because this is supposed to be something we both are excited about and love going through together. Well, I don't.  I pretend. I try.   It's not working. Most days I just feel grotesque. I can't imagine that that's going to get better. I hate being fat on a normal basis and this is just worse.

I hate having constant aches and pains. I hate not being able to sleep properly. I hate that my regular clothes dont fit and the maternity pants fall down every 10 steps. I hate that our already stretched budget is getting stretched even thinner as we try to buy the basics. I hate that everyone is sooooo excited for us and expects me to be all happy and chipper all the time. I loathe with a burning passion hotter than the flames of hell that  people feel like they NEED to tell me that what comes next is worse. "Your dog got mud on your curtains, wait til you have a kid." "You're hot today? Wait til you're 9 months pregnant. You'll want to die." "Ohhhh you can't plan on making it to your due date. You could probably go into labor any time in August while you're at work."  You know what? I don't want to hear your opinion.   It's nervewracking enough to KNOW in your head that all those things could and probably will happen. You don't need to take some schadenfreude pleasure out of telling me how awful labor is how much you tore, how your body will never be the same and OH MY PERSONAL FAVORITE that the hormones cause all kinds of other health issues to happen like "hey that one lady that we both know that got cancer right after she had her 2nd kid."   Oh and let's not forget the "what if it's autistic or any other THING that could happen you'll still love it."    What happened to boundaries? What happened to not saying anything if you dont have anything nice to say? 

One of the worst parts is that no one listens. They ask what you want and then do the exact opposite. They dont respect your boundaries and they don't care. They're all too excited for you to listen to what you want. It's good intentioned but it makes me feel like crap.

I am a borderline hypochondriac. I knew this was going to be challenging. I knew that with as sensitive as I am to every ache, pain and twinge in my body and with my past history of anxiety that this was not going to be a great experience. I know that I make mountains out of molehills, that I see zebras where there are horses and that I'm overall a nut job about my body being 'my body.'   I'm also well aware to all the armchair counselors out there that depression is a real hazard of being pregnant. Yes, I'm also aware that there are pills you can take for that. I also know that I'm not depressed. I've been depressed and on anti anxiety meds before. This is different. This is just having a feeling that is not popular with the general public. The world doesnt want you to be unhappy when you're experiencing 'one of the great miracles in life'.   The world wants you to wake up perky and full of sunshine and glitter laughing about how pleasantly plump you are and how you have that GLOW which is really just oil from your hormonal teen angsty skin.    

Will I be a terrible mother? No. Will I love the child with all my heart when it's here? Yes.  Would 99.99 percent of the world judge me from this post..Probably. It's okay. I'll be fine. August 29th anyway.

3 comments:

Donn24g said...

O MY GOSH!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!! IN A ABSOLUTELY GIGANTIC WAY!!!!! I am sooo happy for you and your new little Spawn:) I knew this was right around the corner and I have missed you. Please write more, i want to hear all about your woes as a pregnant lady;-) It's going to fly by for you anway! Will you find out what you are having? O so many questions, i am just soo happy!!! Write more WAY soon!

Heather said...

danielle - i don't judge you for this post at all. motherhood is a scary thing and it isn't easy. a lot of people make it seem like it is easy and i think that sets others up for an unrealistic idea of what it will be like...

i was weird when i was pregnant too and i hated prying people. NO i did not want them to touch my belly. NO i did not feel pregnant for quite some time. i was so unsure of how i felt the entire time i was pregnant and was so scared of how my life was going to change. some days i cried because i didn't want my life to change...i liked just being me and brandon, but when piper got here it was definitely different for me. i didn't mind being pregnant though, so i can't relate to that as much. i can say i would never be one to tell you "just wait until..." i hate that and have no idea why people think it is a good idea to say such things.

we each have our own worries and anxieties...i think sometimes we put our own fears on others though.

i think you will be a wonderful mother.

i appreciate you checking in on me. i've been hesitant to post about my recent struggles because they are hard for me to admit and i am so private about so many things... i found that with the struggles of being a new mom and the grief of my mom passing that i had a relapse of my eating disorder. amazing how over 10 years can pass and something can come back that you never gave much thought to anymore. it has been affecting me greatly the past year, especially in that brandon and i have been trying for another child, and my inability to get through this struggle and admit i had a problem has made it so we are having to continue to wait. i am currently going through the recovery process, which is an absolute b*tch. it is embarrassing and painful both physically and emotionally. as i am in my right mind now, i feel like an idiot for letting it take over my life again, but sometimes things like that happen. i'll be happy in a few weeks when the initial difficulties that come in recovery are over with.

anyway, i digress. i just wanted to say thanks to you for checking in on me. i feel if we had had a chance to better know each other when you were at OU, we may have become great friends. :)

carrielt said...

Danielle,
This post is great! I love to hear this side of pregnancy. I get so sick of hearing how wonderful everything is, but I know everything can't be THAT wonderful. I mean come one! I think I would be like you if I was pregnant. I'm not one of those people who gushes about expectant mother's. Don't get me wrong I think it's great when someone choses to bring life into this world, but I don't want to touch the belly or hear all about the details. Now that might sound like I'm uncaring, but I really do care. I think this part of life is a very private part for you and your hubby. I know if I was pregnant I wouldn't even tell anyone buy TNT until I had too.

I loved that one of my fb friends announced that her and her hubby will be parents for the 3rd time in 3 weeks. Only her close family knew about it. I thought it was the great. Of course since I'm in the photo business I don't want my clients to think that way! lol

At least with me you won't have to hear me telling you how bad I tore or how bad the child birth process is! :)

I can always count on you to tell it how it is! I {heart} you my friend!